Sunday, March 29, 2009
We are not there yet - production is a week away. But I feel broken. In spirit. I am tired and weary and my body hurts. I feel poured out. What do I have left to give?
I pray that God pours into this broken vessel a fresh fire. A fresh wind. An annointing to give more.
I ask for the bloggers to pray for me.
It is hard for me to be transparent and ask for help. Tranparancy in the past has left me bleeding on an altar with wounds afflicted by the "holy." I was more hurt afterwards than before. And I am more than willing to give help but cannot ask for it.
But I need you all. I need healing. My joints and muscles ache. I cannot pick up a coffee cup without my arm hurting. Yet if I have my shoulder fixed, I will be unable to care for Ashley after her next shoulder. My heart is heavy for friends who are hurting and I am caring a feeling of "God you do it for others, why not us?"
Please pray for restoration.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
My children have been on my last nerve most of the week. Unfortunately, most people I know I have danced around my nerves, tapping on them at random.
My loving husband has annoyed me to no end. Simply things. Nothing big. Just big in my mind.
Financial stresses are burdening me. Health problems after weighing me down.
And if I don't refocus my heart and mind and soul, I will "surely be ruined!" (Passion Play script!)
I am thankful. . .
. . .for Chris's talents. That he sees the good in people. That he watches out for his family.
. . .for Ashley's heart. That she wants to serve God. That she loves everyone deeply.
. . .for David. That he loves me deeply. Even when I seem to cost him more money that I could ever make!
. . .for the Passion Play cast - they are all working so hard. I know that. I hope they know I know that.
. . .for Doctor's who care.
. . .for friend's who love.
. . .for a God who sees the end from the beginning and will walk with me Never leave me.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Not perfect - just forgiven.
Today was Missions Sunday at our church and I the auditorium was crowded. I love the crowded! Our daughter sat with us; our two adopted kids found us and Chris went with the Youth. I didn't know where he was and began looking for him during worship.
And I found him.
On the front row. With his hands lifted in Praise to the Almighty King of Glory!
This mom's heart melted in gladness. To see the Gift God gave to us praising God himself.
Who do I nominate? Hmmmm. . .
Jill Palmer - You make me laugh! Thanks kids for providing so much fodder for your mother's writing!
Jo Lee - Your quotes often fuel my day.
Kristen Bleger - Another beautiful kid who makes me laugh. I can't wait to see the wonderful things God does in this family!
Tiffany Bleger - I love this family! Thanks for loving back!
Kathy Yarbrough Coles - You are one of the most talented women I know. Get into the studio and record "Flute for Thought"!!!
Linn Saunders - Thanks for sharing your life with us.
Seth and Maria Waters - You are faithful and God will be to you as well. Watch San Fran, here they come!!! (Yes, Seth is not a Sister but Maria is!)
Miss Jinny, Jenn and all the Water World of Youth and Children - I love reading these blogs!
Jenn Kline - Thank you for sharing Bill with Durango. The impact on this community will be everlasting.
Friday, March 20, 2009
"God Of This City"
You're the God of this city
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
For there is no one like our God
There is no one like our God
Greater things have yet to come
Greater things are still to be done in this City
You're the Lord of Creation
The Creator of all things
You're the King above all Kings
You're the strength in our weakness
You're the love to the broken
You're the joy in the sadness
Where glory shines from hearts alive
With praise for you and love for you
In this city
Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be done
In this city!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
* Friends who will drive 15 hours to be with you.
* Friends that you can laugh with and cry with - all within 3 minutes in a crowded store
* Grace for those days you are so tired you can't move
* Peace that God gives when news is not so good
* Rest for the body and mind
* Tears that are happy and sad
* Children that you love so much it hurts
* Nieces and Nephews that make you smile
( who wouldn't smile at here sweet voices say,"KimKim" and "Auntie Kimmie"!)
* Weekends to be with my family
Monday, March 16, 2009
Thomas O. Chisholm (1866-1960)
Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with thee
Thou changest not thy compassions they fail not
As thou hast been thou forever will be
Great is thy faithfulness, great is thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed thy hand hath provided
Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!
Summer and winter and springtime and harvest
Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To thy great faithfulness, mercy and love
There is pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside
Rest is that faithfulness today!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Add that to the fact I have a tear in my left shoulder and arthritis in my left knee. And don't even ask about my shifting implants!
So today I lashed back at age!
When getting ready for church I chose a leopard wrap dress, black house, black stillettos, shiny jewelry and bright pink lips. I'll show you who is aging!
Then about the 4th person who told me how wonderful I looked, I began to get paranoid. What do I usually look like? Have I been letting myself succumb to the aging process too easily? Yes, I love my velvet sweatsuits (I have five of them!) but maybe I need to steer clear of them a little more.
I will not go quietly into this good night! I will fight age! I will moisturize, exercise, and expand my mind.
But right now, I have to go to bed, because if I don't get 8-9 hours of sleep, I'm useless!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Today it has been replaced with melancoly. Fatigue.
Then I visited my email and a dear friend had sent this link. It helped me. It will you too.
So, grab a cup of tea, sit down, turn up the wound and listen. . . . . .
Monday, March 9, 2009
Ashley and I bought a new cookbook devoted to decorating cupcakes. Her favorite were the little schnauzer dogs - of course!
She made this one first.
The decorating process.
The same night, she made a new apron! It was from a pattern her Great Grandma Beach used. Pretty cool. She loved using the iron to press the apron.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Ashley has gone so far as to email Clinton Kelly and suggest that he do a children's show on how young women should dress modestly because they show their bellies too much.
Now stay with me, this gets confusing!
Last night, I had a facebook from Jill Palmer that her sister, who lives in New York, had a friend who would be featured on "WNTW" that evening. We set the DVR and thought we'd have to watch it later because of our boys. But - the boys had soccer! So we watched the program!
As it turns out, Debbie (featured on the show) had been reading my blog about Ashley's surgery. Debbie had read Jill's blog - sent there from Jill's sister - then hoped on over to us. I had seen New York on my ticker but didn't know who it was (I love seeing the different places that people read us from!) Once, Debbie had asked Jill's sister how Ashley was doing while Jill and Sis (confused yet?) were talking on the phone.
So now, Debbie - we fell in love with you last night! Your wit and humour - you are such a lovely human being! You must come to Durango! (Don't bring Clinton - he'd have a heart attack. We've been voted the Worse Dress City in America three times!) Come ski, or hike - whatever! And we'll take you shopping Durango style - which means buy whatever you want because no body really cares!
Ashley and I love watching and talking fashion. Cerebral Palsy does not hold this Diva back one bit!!!! Even in a wheelchair, she was styling - bows on the legs of the chairs. In a cast, she was gorgeous - I had to match outfits to go with a green cast! I love mostly that she knows that the inside makes a person beautiful - the outside is just the picture frame for a gorgeous masterpiece.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
After Ashley's stroke I was very angry when I looked around me and saw other people going on with their lives. Inside I would scream, "MY LIFE HAS STOPPED! WHY AREN'T YOU STOPPING WITH ME?" I would be angry when I heard about movies my friends and family saw or dinners they went out to have with friends. All I did was go to doctor's appointments and therapy appointments. I learned a new language - medical speak. I learned how to give medications, track seizures and then, with whatever spare energy I had, I spent with Chris trying to make his life "normal."
The angriest I ever became was with a dear friend who said, "at some point, you have to pick yourself up and move on." Move ON? Was she kidding? (Yes, we are still good friends today.) I wanted her to sympathize, to cry with me. But after 8 weeks, crying more would not change anything. After 8 weeks, retelling the story would not make it go away. This stroke was part of our lives. Another tear or pat on the back was what I wanted - I got a kick in the pants that I needed!
Oddly enough, I had to embrace the stroke. I could not go forward until I looked it in the eye, addressed it and said, "let's go!" Then I had to embrace David's knee surgery - 4 weeks after the stroke - and his cane (for another 2 months); I had to embrace the miscarriage and then the hysterectomy that took from me the ability to ever have another child - 4 weeks after the knee surgery!
Okay, 1999 got off to a really bad start! But it's part of who we are now. Oh, yes, I would take it all back. Yet that's not an option. So, it has become part of the molding of who we are today in Christ.
Today I am thankful for that friend (I love you Rhonda), who spoke in love knowing it would hurt me and that I would probably be furious with her.
I am thankful for those friends who kept going on with their lives. I view those friends as the river that was running along a sandy beach. My life boat had been thrown violently on the beach. They kept the river flowing so that when the time was right, I was able to push my boat back into the river that was still flowing.
I am thankful that I learned to look at those around me and breathe a prayer for their own storm -tossed lives.
I am thankful that God has taught me to "Keep Moving Forward!" Keep my focus on him and the cross and realize that "these light afflictions cannot be compared to the glory of God that awaits us."
If you are in a crisis, rest on the beach - but get back in the river!!! If you're the river, keep it flowing so that others can jump in!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
This past week, David was musing over our closet. It's a large walk-in. Around 6x12' with double racks on one side. You could make it a nursery! Or an Office! About 2 feet of this closet is occupied by a filing cabinet. David has about 4' - maybe. The rest is mine! Mine! Mine! All Mine!!!!
I am very organized in this closet. By season, by type, by sleeve length and pant leg length. Dressy or Casual. Two shoe racks on the floor with shoes on each side; hats on the shelf; and a large storage box full of purses.
David made the mistake of saying outloud that he was amazed at how little space he had in the closet.
"Do you need more?" I asked.
"No. But why do you need so much?" he questioned. Foolishly.
"Because I have more," duh!
"I don't understand why you have so many clothes? How many can you wear?" Now, he's ticking me off.
"I wear everything in that closet. I dress for work. For church. Soccer games. Girl Scouts events. You like me looking nice and I do my best," with the little hairs on my neck beginning to bristle.
"Yes, but why do you have so much? I just don't get it." Really?
"Yes, you do. I'm the same as you. You love the hunt. Providing for your family. Meat. A home. This is my hunting and gathering - clothes for the family. Not a thing in my closet cost over $20.00! Most things less than $10.00!!!!! Our children are dressed for less than anyone around because I hunt for bargains!!!!!! I find, I gather." Now I'm starting to see myself as alittle crazed.
"Hmm. Okay." And he walked off! Not that he bought the argument, but he was done.
I am good at shopping for bargains. God has blessed me with the ability to find deals on clothes. My kid's closests can attest to that. I am trying to do more "as needed" shopping, but that usually costs more than buying shirts for Ashley for $3.00 at the end of the season and storing them until next year. (I did that this week! 4 outfits for $21.00)
After this confrontation, I finished dressing, but on my jewelry and left for work. Ticked that he would question my closet capacity.
Skip to today, Geri Swingle spoke at the Dreamer's Encouragement class. It was great! The challenge to me was as follows: Do I look like my Dream?
We often wonder what our dream is to look like, but at what point do we begin to look like our Vision?
Challenge. Not that God is saying, "Giveth thouest clothes to the naked and bare thy closest for thou husbands sake!" No, he's saying that clothes don't make me look the Vision. My heart does. My character does.
And if I don't look like my vision now - pretend! Play dress-up. What do I think my dream should look like? Then dress like that!
We want to be organized. Well, take steps to get it together!
We want to be a good housekeeer. Well, start cleaning!
A cook - buy a cookbook.
You get it? I thought of an old "Fake it 'til you make it!" Not be a fake person. Practice being who you want to be until you become that person. Practice being gracious. Practice self-discipline.
Thanks God for giving me a full closet. Not just of clothes. But a spiritual closet full of people to guide me towards your Vision. A closet full of experiences that guide my heart. A closet of armor so I can Stand for you.