My posts lately have been few and far between and mostly just catching up with pics of the kids and activities for the family.
There's been no great revelations from God.
No thunder in the sky.
Although there is snow on the ground!
We have been busy, though! Helped friends by watching their little ones. Fixed food for folks. Learned that I love Home Schooling my kids. I love their bright minds and the wonderful conversations we have, weaving God into history, math and science. I love their eyes when they "get it!"
However today, I feel like I"m standing at a Dead End Tunnel. It's dark and the only sound is of sick kids coughing. The only thing I can read are posts of friends struggling with illness.
In reading our book for this month, "Sacred Echo", I have found that I see God's love as global. "God loves the world." I see his love as sweet. "Jesus loves the little children." I see his love as transforming others. "God loves orphans."
Yet, I have not seen Him as, "God loves me."
It's like a Goggle Earth map with zooming perspective - God as Creator of the Universe, Savior of the World, Provider for our Nation, King of Colorado, Lord of our City, Redeemer of our Church Body - but I never seem able to zoom into Jesus who loves Kim.
Why? I don't know. Maybe it's the feeling that prayers aren't answered. My family was split. My kids are still sick. My daughter still has a handicap. My son still has asthma. My mother is still ill. My dad still needs a job.
I keep praying and I keep believing. But those things still hang in the air.
God has shown his love for me in many ways - I'm not unaware of His blessings. I wonder, though, if those blessings are out of obligation.
Does God do for me just because I'm one of many who call themselves Christian? Does He really see ME?
Do we all struggle with this?
Does God see me, really see me today, tired, headache, caring for sick kids, worrying over finances and my children's health, praying for so many friends who are hurting; whose dreams are fading; whose marriages are dissolving and their children struggling? Does he see me personally or just one of many with the same problems.
Am I an individual to Him that he would advocate for me, Kim Beach in Durango, Colorado? Would he move the earth for me as He did Samson or Elizabeth? Or am I just one of the many who walked across the desert with the Children of Isreal and God provided for as part of the group? Am I the one sheep He would search for or am I one of the flock who always does what's told and gets left in the pin?
That's what I keep hearing.
Calm your heart.
God, I'm sitting. Do you see me? Do you hear me? Do you remember me?
I can send you my address.